I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-- Alfred Hitchcock 

You have to be deaf in order to really appreciate the bagpipes.
-- my son

Piping is my hobby... I'm allowed to be bad at it.
-- my brother

Bagpipes... the missing link between music and noise.

If thy neighbour offend thee, give each of his children bagpipes.
-- Old Scottish Proverb.

When I die, I know I’m going to heaven… I’ve already been through Hell as a member of a pipe band…
-- Richard Mao, The Peking Piper PekingPiper@mao.org

You know you're a piper's wife when he sits in the car with his arm around his pipes just like he used to do to you when you were dating.

You know you're a piper's wife if you are flattered when he gallantly pulls a chair from the table you are about to sit at.....and then puts his pipes on it.

You know you're a piper's wife if he spends his weekends on the band bus instead of painting the house.

An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches. "How long has he been playing the pipes?" a bystander asks the wife.
"Oh, about 60 years, but he spent 40 of those tuning them".

Q. Why do pipers have such large families?
A. Their wives will do ANYTHING to get them to stop playing.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How do you put a twinkle in a drummer's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in his ear!

Q. What's the difference between a piper and a mutual fund?
A. The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Q. How do you get a dozen bagpipers to play in tune?
A-1. Shoot 11 of them.
A-2. Shoot all of them.
A-3. Who the hell wants a dozen bagpipers?

Q. How do you get two pipers to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.